When Ronald Weasley Drives
by greencyanide
Summary: ... unmitigated disasters befall. Mark the plurality.


**AUTHOR'S NOTE : I had so much fun writing this fic, you cannot even begin to imagine! I just hope you have a fraction of that amusement while reading this. Ron maybe a little OOC, but hey, it was sooo worth it! :D**

**Written for Funny quotes challenge and Prompt for Thursday 5th August :**

**"I don't want half hearted love affairs**

**I need someone who really cares.**

**Life is too short to play silly games**

**I've promised myself I won't do that again."**

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* * *

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"Ron, just take your foot off the table!" shouted Hermione, for the umpteenth time.

"What is your problem, woman? My feet are way over here!" cried Ron.

"You are shaking your feet and I can't write if the table shakes with it!"

"Don't you dare blame my feet for your squiggly handwriting!"

"Sometimes I wish you would have those bouts of numbness more often when your mind goes blank and you stare quietly at the fireplace drooling."

"I don't do that! Besides, I'm not quiet, I'm plotting."

"Plotting what? The vengeful suing of McGibbons' deli because they put _five _chicken nuggets in your plate instead of _six_, while your partnerFraser risks his life trying to catch the criminals responsible for the Gringotts break-in?"

"Hey, I _would_ sue them if you let me! And everyone knows the break-in was a conspiracy, Fraser's brother was a part of the gang. I am pretty sure it was all an act and now Fraser will catch them to get a Order of Merlin. He isn't scraping anything better than third class, I tell you."

"Fraser's _runaway_ borther. He is deeply ashamed, and feels embarassed whenever it gets mentioned. Besides, look who's got on the high horse! You wouldn't have passed the Auror programme if Hestia hadn't _accidentally_ overlooked that you still had red hair at the back of your head during your Concealment and Disguise test."

"Well, I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part."

"Oh in the name of Merlin and all other ancient long-bearded wizards, Ron, would you _ever_ grow up? You are a father of two now!"

"Speaking of whom, Rose wrote a - something and wanted me to read. Something called a jaiku or whatever."

"A haiku. It's a Japanese poem. She gave it to you to read? I must applaud her courage. It could further damage the gooey stuff inside your skull that doesn't qualify to be called brain."

"Haiku. What a funny name. And it's a poem? Wow... Hey, I know a haiku- Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator."

"Seriously, 100,000 sperms and you were the fastest? I wonder which is a bigger miracle- you being born or me marrying you."

"I'd say my whole life is a miracle. After all, I've got such a comedian of a wife. You see that's why I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them."

"Well, aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution. I don't know about your whole life, but me marrying you was indeed a miracle. Or maybe, I'm just sadistic. Oh, wait no, I'm insane! Really! Or else why would I do this?"

"Yeah you're right. If anyone's insane, then it's you. I mean why else would you suggest we spend our hard earned weekend at your Muggle cousin's home, when we could be off to a holiday on our own."

"We are spending it so you can fix their car. So it's _my_ fault that _you_ flattened Barry's Merc against the wall when you rammed our car into his garage?"

"_You_ kept me distracting with your stupid accounting stuff. You know I get confused when you throw numbers at me. But I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was blaming you."

"Oh, yeah. What was I thinking throwing numbers at you. If I didn't know it was stupid to talk about accounts when you are driving, then I'm not the brightest crayon in the box, now am I?"

"See? Was it so hard accepting that you're to blame? I'm so happy you're going with the flow, Hermione. One of the many reasons why I love you."

"Only dead fish go with the flow. It was a mistake letting you drive to Barry and Mindy's house. I should have known you'd make a mess, after what happened at Hugo's friend's birthday."

"Now Hermione, don't be so hard on yourself. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others."

"You think it's so funny, don't you Ron?"

"Now that I look back, it does seem very amusing."

"Look back? For your information, it happened yesterday. And I don't remember the amusing parts, Ron. Care to enlighten me? Which part of Barry shouting every profanity he knows in front of our children, little Lou crying because he though a bomb had exploded in their garage, Roger scratching every inch of paint off our car and barking loud enough to be heard from France did you fing _amusing_?

"I don't know about these, but I can safely say, the colour on Mindy's face was the funniest. I am afraid I would have laughed, if I hadn't seen the colour on yours."

"You know sometimes you drive me so mad, I think I'd just boil into a pot of lava. It's a blessing that you're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. The pity I feel keeps me safe."

"Wow, let's see, it's a record! We have fought for one complete hour _two days_ after making up. You've gotta give it to us. I'll tell you Hermione, God has a very special place for us in heaven. We make his boring days entertaining."

"Yes, Ronald, if God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining."

"That's the spirit. Anyway, I wanted to ask about this magic kit the Muggles keep. Lou was saying some crazy incantation waving that stick in the air. What was it... yes, BOOM SHAKA LAKA!"

"Muggles do magic, I mean, sorts of illusions and clever stuff. Mind you, they don't have natural abilities like wizards, just hard work, concentrations and practise."

"Clever stuff, eh? Dad would love to get a hold of those kits. Brianna was talking about a ..._satellite_? What's that?"

"They are devices sent up in space by Muggles to transmit radio signals and keep a lookout for various interstellar phenomena."

"You know what I just heard? Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah."

Hermione sighed. "They take pictures of earth and sun and moons."

"Why on earth? Muggles have camera in space? Really? Did you ever have your picture taken on a satellite?"

"Yes, Ron. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."

"You bet that's fun. You know, I alway sniggered at Dad's obsession with Muggles, but it figures. They have so many cool stuff. I mean a camera in space, for Merlin's sake! I bet they did it for people who don't have a camera. But it's sad because they work so hard for these things and we are born with it. We are like nature's way of doing things they do with technology. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning."

"That was so deep, Ron. Sometimes, I remember why I married you."

"Yeah, yeah. Hey check this out. Brianna's proverb book says_ 'It's always darkest before dawn. _They forgot to print _'So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it'."_

"And then I forget. Anyway, I promised Mindy I'd make dinner, I have to get a move if I want to get it done before they come."

"Relax, it's just one in the afternoon. I'll help."

"Right. I'll ask you when I need to demolish the house, Ron."

"True. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people."

"Sometimes I fear when I go out with you driving. I get a fleeting sensation we'd not make it back to the house and Rose and Hugo would become orphans. And look at Harry. At one he was left an orphan. His childhood was almost traumatic"

"What the hell is a one year old supposed to do with an orphan?" asked Ron, pretending to look clueless.

Hermione didn't even reply, she was not amused at his joke. She walked over to the sink and to wash her hands.

"Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill one with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust," piped in Ron as some foamy poured into Hermione's hand from the nozzle.

"Gee, Ron. I wonder who'll let you handle their soap dispenser."

"We should get one, so I could do my expectiment. Hey, I was wondering why Barry has such an- Anglican name? I mean shouldn't it be something like Kun Wuk Pok?"

"Shut up, Ron. Don't be such a racist! One in five people in the world are Chinese. They'd run out of names if they all had Chinese names."

"One in five people in the world are Chinese. That'd make a fine joke. _One__ in five people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin," _laughed Ron.

"You shouldn't make racist jokes, Ron. It's hurtful."

"And that you make jokes about my wit doesn't hurt?"

"You and I both know it doesn't."

"Yeah, you're right. I mean even when you weren't my wife, you were my good friend. Friends always do that, and you're still my friend. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Why am I not surprised. So did you enjoy the trip to the water park?"

"Yeah, loads! Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?"

Hermione laughed. "Sorry you had to go with the children. Mindy really wanted to go to the movie with Barry and I had to finish up my report."

"You should have heard Hugo grumbling about not being able to shoot the moving ducks he targeted. If we didn't have company I would have taught him my tactic. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."

"Wow, he's lucky to have a mentor like you."

"As long as he doesn't mention Star Wars more than twice a day at home. I swear I'll throw him out of the house if he says "_Yoda lives, there's still hope_!" one more time."

"In that case your Dad will Avada Kedavra you. Grandpa Weasley is so proud that his grandson is obsessed with a Muggle fandom. He was so happy when he visited Mum and Dad's office with me."

"You call that _office?_"

"Alas, I remember your reaction when you first visited all too well. _'This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting'_."

"Yeah. Who'd want to be strapped down, and have a people in coats drill holes in their mouth?"

"They're called dentists, Ron and they aren't as clueless as you are."

"I don't care if they have a degree, I won't let them do that."

"They _do_ have a degree and I think you made it quite clear when you ran from the office with arms flailing in air screaming like a little girl."

"Did you see the size of that needle?"

"Of course I have. My parents are dentists. One time I badly hurt my shinbone, and I had to get anaesthetic. You'd freak out if you see the size of _that_."

"How can you hurt your shinbone? I thought shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room."

"I wonder why you didn't become a Healer, Ron. In fact, I wonder why they didn't fire you the day you joined work."

"Well, that's no secret. I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back."

"Your boss must be one lunatic."

The phone rang, and Hermione picked it up. It was Manohla, her assistant.

When she set down the phone, after a few minutes of intense "Mhmm" and "Uhun", Ron asked, "What was that all about?"

"The Belgian Ministry's intelligence has alerted Kingsley, that a group of British terrorists are going to attack the Ministry Office in London."

Ron's eyes grew wide. "AAH, there'll be war! The British are coming! The British are coming! Oh, wait. _We_ are the British," he sniggered

"Ron! Do you have to joke about serious everything? "

"Right. Forgot." grinned Ron. "But there's gonna be an attack! Oh, Hermione, whatever will we do? Let's bathe in absinthe, wear papaya leaves around our loins and pray to the almighty Jujuva to show us mercy!" he raised his arms towards high heavens dramatically.

As much as she hated it, Hermione's serious look dissolved into laughter. "Oh just as well, I think it's a false alarm too. The Belgains are known for their unintelligent intelligence. But I'd have to go anyway, in order to oversee some press releases Kingsley will make tomorrow. I'm sorry, Ron. Can you please order some pizzas from the Pizza Hut just off Clinton Street. It's just a five minute walk. I'll call Mindy and explain."

Ron waved his hand dismissively. "Sure, sure, no problem. Go save the world."

Hermione pecked lightly on his lips and laughed. "It's just some press releases."

"Then go oversee some press releases."

"You're the best Ron. I love you, you know that, don't you?"

"Of course, I do. Why else would you say yes, when I proposed after spilling the entire champagne bottle on your favourite dress and accidentally set our table on fire."

"I don't know, maybe it was just because I couldn't say no to you singing my favourite song like a walrus in labour."

Ron laughed and started singing, with an exaggerated caricature of a walrus,

_"I don't want half hearted love affairs_

_I need someone who really cares._

_Life is too short to play silly games_

_I've promised myself I won't do that again."_

**x x x x x x**

Hermione sat on her chair, massaging her temples with her fingers. It had been a busy day, but she could at last go home and spend a peaceful night with Ron. Or at least try to.

Hermione's phone buzzed. Manohla's voice crackled. "Mrs. Weasley, I am forwarding Mr. Wealey's urgernt call."

Hermione hardly had the time to stricken, when she heard Ron's terrified voice. "Hermione! I went to get the pizzas. You know, took our car. And it kinda ."

Hermione's stare was fixed on the pencil on her desk. "I didn not catch the last part, Ron," she said silkily.

"Our car kind of rammed into a tree and got flattened."

A few pigeons that were sleeping peacefully, slipped off the ledge of the window on the third floor of the Ministry building as Hermione Granger Weasley shouted, "RONALD WEASLEY! YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE!"


End file.
